Yet another road block…

To say my life has been easy, or handed to me, would be a bold faced lie. I have had to fight, tooth and nail, for everything that I have. I am a little bitter that it has been so hard for me, when I watch everyone else just cruise and get what they want with little effort. That is not to say that everyone I know doesn’t work hard for what they have (most of them, some of them are just straight up lazy asses who let everything just get handed to them…) but when all you have are the normal obstacles, you never really will understand the larger ones in life.

That’s me – the wrangler of the large ass obstacles. I would like to say that I have done this all with grace and compassion, but that’s straight up shit. I have been angry, I have been mad, I have cried, I have cursed what brought me to this point, I have plotted the conducters demise (yep. I have. judge away.. I care not), I have flipped my shit and screamed at the unfairness of this entire situation. None of that has helped, but I do believe it has helped me maintain a shred of sanity – no one can leave that much hostility bottled up without going bat shit crazy. That being said, I have also kept a smile on my face, I have kept trying, I have kept my kids happy and healthy and well adjusted, I kept my sobriety (which I believe is a feat all on its own!), I have kept my life fairly balanced, and I still have all of my hair! hahaha….

I have fought back and won. I know very few people who could do what I have done… life is not easy when everything is taken from you all at once. Literally, everything. I had me and my kids, and everything else, I had to fight for and get on my own. NOTHING has been handed to me. NO ONE can say that I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for them (except maybe the asshole who fucked things up for me in the first place). Everything I have and everything I am is because I refused to give up, I am tenacious, and I did everything in my power to get back on my own two feet. I mean, my husband helped, but that wasn’t so much a silver platter as it was a partner in crime. Everything I have, everything we have, has come from hard work, grit and determination. Imagine living your life with literally no credit. None. Not even a dollar. Could you do it? I fucking doubt it. But I did, and we did, and now look where we are.

And even with everything we have done, accomplished, fought for, striven for, rebuilt… I am still finding myself facing road blocks. Bull shit from my past that never should have affected me in the first place, but I was unfortunate enough to be tied to one of the most selfish pieces of shit on the planet. But I digress, that was then and this is now.

And while I sit back and watch people go about their lives, spending money like it is not an issue (and for some it isn’t, but for some, it damned well is…) I am sitting here, despairingly, and a bit heartbroken, because I have a plan for my life, something I desperately want to do, something for me, and I can’t. I just can’t.

My life is my own, but I am also living in the shadows of other peoples choices, and it affects my life every day. I have chosen to live my life happily, in spite of the constant shit I had to endure. And I am happy I did. But it would be nice to just live my life, the way I want to, without the constant reminder of the heinous bullshit people pulled on me.

I am happy. I love my life. I love my husband and my kids. I just wish that things were easier, sometimes. But I suppose it is what it is, and there’s nothing I can do to change the past.

Six months. In just six months I will get exactly what I want, once again, on my own. I guess in a way, it is amazing and awe inspiring that I have been able to do what I have done, on my own. Not many can say that. But I can. And that is something that no one can take away from me.


Alone or just lonely.. 

I read this article the other day that struck a chord with me a little. Lately, I have felt like I was invisible. Why? I could be in a room full of people, and still feel all alone. Like I could leave, and no one would notice or care. I used to be an extrovert – I fed off of other peoples energy and felt sad when I was alone for long periods of time, and I was very outgoing. But now, I feel like I have slowly drifted into being an anxious introvert. I don’t really know when this shift happened, but it fucking did.

It can be really exhausting. I don’t like this feeling, but how do I make it go away? I am inclined to blame my thyroid. I would like to think that it is the culprit to my mental shitshow. But what if it isn’t? I don’t like constantly questioning the intentions and loyalty of not only my friends (like, my best friends who are always there for me) but also my husband. Not only do I not deserve to have these awful questions in my head about these wonderful people, but they don’t deserve it, either.

But how do I make it go away, when my invisibility cloak is suffocating me?

I get flashes of my old badass self – the girl who was outspoken, outgoing, determined, happy. So it gives me hope that one day I will return to that, and it will no longer just be my alter-ego and a distant memory. But holy fuck, I wish that “one day” was sooner rather than later. I am not sure my poor heart can take much more of this loneliness and wondering, as unjustified as it may or may not be. 

This article, it was about high functioning anxiety, and what a shitshow it can be in your own head. Here is the article; I have left the authors name for credit. NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THIS NEXT PART!!!! It just kind of spoke to me, and put a voice to my weird inner shit. I can’t stress enough how legit and accurate this is, as sad as it makes me to admit.

This piece was written by Kirsten Corley, author of “But Before You Leave

Your best friend. Your boyfriend. Your family (if they had a choice.)

Because this thing you didn’t choose is trying to convince you that all of who you are is defined by one word. Anxiety.

It’s one wrong text message.

One tone you didn’t even mean to speak in.

Another night out of things you only half remember with a help of a drink too many.

One conversation you wonder if you told too much.

It’s a text unanswered that sends your mind wandering.

And a call that goes right to voicemail.

It’s a second text to clarify.

Just hoping they will answer.

Even though you know you should have waited.

It’s looking at your best friend of a decade plus and doubting them.

Not for anything they did but for something you haven’t even done yet.

Self-doubt. Questioning. Analyzing. Overthinking.

It’s the waiting for people to leave.

It’s ruining something before it even begins.

It’s goodbye without the word that becomes an expectation.

It’s the nights that keep you up tossing and turning.

It’s not hearing from someone for a while and thinking they are mad.

Even though realistically they have no reason to be.

It’s an apology you don’t have to say, yet you feel you need to.

Just to ease your mind.

People ask about enemies and the only one you’ve known is yourself.

Trapped inside your mind that keeps you prisoner.2

Pushing people away who you want to stay.

But you don’t want to burden or bother them with a problem that’s your own.

It’s the want and need to just hear words, “It’s OK.”

That confidence boost that will shift everything.

You feel guilty even asking.

But you want to just hear that they won’t go.

Because when your mind plays tricks on you and tells you everyone you care about will leave you, you don’t want to believe it.

But part of you does.

You didn’t choose this so why would anyone want to choose you?

That’s the voice you hear on repeat.

And you don’t want to come across as clingy but you care.

You care too much and think too little.

You love too hard but everything about you is soft.

You try and overcompensate just to give them a reason to stay.

But what you don’t believe is they are choosing to be here because they want to be.

Because you aren’t as bad and intolerable and unlovable as you think you are10.

Anxiety is just trying to trick you into believing you are all these things.

But if you look around for just a moment you’ll realize the people who matter haven’t gone anywhere.

Not just your run of the mill love story.. 

There is love, the kind of love that most people experience. You enjoy being around the person, you choose to have a life with them, start a family, spend your days with them.. this is the way that most of civilization experiences “love”. 

Then there are the people who HAVE to be around one another, or they physically hurt. That’s where I fall. 

My husband and I have a very strange story. It’s the kind of thing that really cheesy summer movies are written about. What kind of person just puts their head in a strangers lap, looks up and quotes Forest Gump, and holds her hand? My husband, that’s who. That’s how we met. And from the day I met him, I knew he was different, and I think he would say the same about me – in fact, he has. We didn’t get together right off the bat. We had years and years of our own lives, own paths, own focus. 

But something life altering brought us together, and since the first time he messaged me, I can’t get enough of him. It’s more than just a want or desire, it’s an actual need. He has told me repeatedly that he’s addicted to me. And I agree. I’ve tried to explain this to friends before and they smile, but I don’t think anyone really gets it. 

When he’s not with me, even if we are only separated for a few minutes or hours, or days (which has only happened 4 times in our entire relationship) I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not in the gross Nicholas Sparks velveeta novel sort of ways, but like there is a literal piece of me missing. 

Trevor and I have spent 7 years discussing our life together. And the best way I can explain it is magnetic. There’s no way I could ever be away from him. Something in me pulls me to him (don’t be gross). He has said the same thing. It’s like two very strong magnets. 

I love him. That is undeniable. But I need him. He is like oxygen. I can’t live without it, and I couldn’t live without him. 

I never really felt like something was missing in my life, per say. But I can say this; the first time I kissed him, a part of me came alive. I knew right in that moment that he was my home. Funny thing is, I wasn’t looking for him. He was just supposed to be something fun, nothing serious. Never in a million years did I ever think that the boy from high school would be the missing piece of me. 

But he is. 

He is my other half. He is my home. He is my forever. Not just my love, he (to quote a really crappy movie)  completes me. He is my soul mate. One soul, two bodies. He is my person. My happy. My forever. My twin flame. 

Badass Bandaids.. 

I have written about this before, a few times. I think bandaids are fucking amazing. The little cartoon ones are pretty badass, and the designs on them nowadays are beyond fun. What is the point of a bandaid? To cover a wound and help you heal by keeping the shit out. Pretty straightforward, right? 

But, I think that some people can be bandaids, too. I have a handful of them in my life. You know who my strongest bandaid is? My husband. He came in to my life when I was a fucking pile of rubble on the floor, and slowly, together, we have put me back together. I’m different now – I put myself back together how I always should have been. And he has been the glue, tape and bandaids that’s held all the pieces together and kept the shit out. He’s fucking amazing and I don’t know what I would do without him. 

I also have some friends who are my like my doc mcstuffins bandaids. Sure, they were there through the demise and rebirth of me, but they weren’t the architects behind the restructure – they were the ones who kept me smiling and made sure my head stayed above water and screwed on straight. Plus, they’re fucking cute.. just like doc mcstuffins haha. They held my hand, lent me their shoulders, gave me their ears for hours upon hours, heard more of the nitty gritty than anyone should be privy to, and they’re still there, holding certain pieces together. Serious angels on earth and I wild be lost without them. 

I was just listening to this song, and something clicked (another topic that I frequently write about).

“I will be right by your side. 

If I can’t find the cure, 

I’ll fix you with my love

No matter what you know, 

I’ll fix you with my love

And if you say you’re okay

I’m gonna heal you anyway

Promise I’ll always be there

Promise I’ll be the cure”

Sounds like a cheesy love song, and maybe it is (Lady Gaga, by the way) but to me, it’s more than that. At its core, it’s about being there for someone and sticking by them for the long haul. And that’s what my bandaids are. I may not need them as much as I used to, for the reasons I used to, anyway… but where are they? Still stuck right to me. None of them could fix me, but they stood by me while I put the pieces back together, they helped where they could, and now, no matter where I go, they’re there. They helped me rebuild, and they’re written in all of what I am now. 

I’m not all better. I don’t think I ever will be. Once rocked that hard, I think it’s always natural to be forever shaky. But I’m doing ok. 

I have some more healing to do, but I know that I have them all behind me. And I think I’m ok with how far I still have to go. They know me and they love me, regardless of the cracks and bandaids and disheveled imperfect perfection. 

How does it go? I’m stuck on bandaids cuz bandaids stuck on me. And I’ll take these crazy ass people with me everywhere I go, with a big fucking smile on my face and a shit-ton of peace in my heart. 

Because of them. My badass bandaids. 

Choices, choices..

Isn’t life amazing? You are like this tiny little thing in this great big world, and even though you may feel like what you think, do, or say doesn’t have an effect, it does! Everything we think, do or say, or don’t, has an effect.. whether or not we allow ourselves to see that effect is another story.

In this life, we have so many choices, it is staggering. There are people who see the choices as a way to make things amazing, and there are people who use their choices as a crutch for constant bitching.

I have been in several situations where I have been faced with choices. Sometimes I made the right choice, and sometimes I did not. But it is what I did with my ability to choose that made all the difference. Because do you know what constant bitching does for your situation? SWEET FUCK ALL!

I am not saying that never complaining is the answer… sometimes venting is 100% necessary. I am talking about the people who have “issues” in their lives, and all they do is complain, while continuing to carry on the exact same path.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, in most cases, is not a sign of hope and perseverance, it is a sign of insanity! There are times that continuing on the same path is a sign of strength, but that is not always the case.

Say, complaining about not understanding something while trying to get your Masters, but carrying on because you are determined to get it… strength!!! Complaining about being fat and not losing weight while literally ramming cookie after cookie into your mouth… insanity!!

If there are things in your life that you want to change so much that you spend hours a day, daily, complaining and bitching, then fucking change them!! It does no one any good to bitch incessantly, nor does it do anyone any good to constantly listen to it.

If you have problems in your life, and they never get better, and you don’t ever really try to make them better, you are literally making a choice to keep your life that way. At that point, it is no longer a problem, it is a conscious effort to remain in the same rut.

And if you are the reason you are in that rut, shut the fuck up about it. Vent, sure. If you feel exasperated due to your circumstances, try to fix them. And if you choose to not change them, or to not see the ability to change them, then accept them. But for the love of all that is good and holy, stop bitching. Because that does nobody any good. Change it. Accept it. Or fix it. Or shush. 

Life is amazing and brilliant and bursting at the seams with opportunity and chances to make it fantastic. Take them. Fucking take them! Because sitting around and bitching is doing nothing but wasting opportunity. You have the choice, no one is stopping you… grab life by the balls and go make some magic shit happen!

Choices, choices…. make some good ones.


Cosmic bullshit or just a bad week?

You have heard the saying “when things start to go right is when everything will go wrong”.. or something like that – I just paraphrased. Well, welcome to my current predicament.

For years, I have trucked along, perfectly content with the complacency that my life had become. It was not boring, but it was no longer absolute chaos – and I was happy with that.

But lately, I have decided to two-fist some bulls balls and take control, and point my life in an entirely new direction. I started reading more again, I started working on my insides, I started working out every day, I started eating better again, I started focusing on the relationships I care deeply about, I started ignoring the shit and the toxic people, I decided to remove things from my life that don’t bring me joy (except my skinny clothes – they bum me out now, but one day I hope to fit in them again, which will then bring me joy), I found a group of women who are on the same path as me and lift me up on a daily basis, I started focusing my entire attention on my kids when they are around, I started digging deep with my kids to make sure they know at their core that they are total superstars, I ordered my sons CGM (continuous glucose monitor) which is going to give all of us a lot more freedom and peace of mind, I started focusing on my husband and what made me fall in love with him in the first place, I started working to make my marriage as strong as possible (it has never been weak or shaky, but I want it to be stronger than ever), I started looking into possible schooling for me, I started figuring out what I want to do with my life (for real, I feel like I am in grade 11 and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.. it is DAUNTING!)… basically, to summate, I started fixing me and gluing back together the busted shards that had previously been left laying on the floor.

However, what is lining up with all of this self-improvement? Oh right, shit and chaos. I am kicking the couch and coffee table legs every time I walk by, I am dropping and spilling things, I am forgetting appointments, I am crying a lot, I am finding myself insanely impatient with my kids, I am letting bullshit from 7-10 years ago seep into my present and wreak havoc, I am losing things, I am having insane dreams that are making me feel like I haven’t slept, I am sore, I kinked my neck, I am having stomach issues, I am just all around feeling like a worthless piece of crap that isn’t worthy of anything. I am letting every poisonous bullshit garbage thing anyone has ever said to me settle in my brain and take up permanent residence. It is not fun.

So am I just having a bad week? Or is the universe shitting on my parade, like some bastard vengeful pigeon, because I am finally on the right path. I am finally done with all of the drama and bullshit and hurt and pain and anger and vengeance… is it a bad day? Or is it the start of a great life?

I have no fucking idea! I have a lot of hurt in my past. I have been damaged to the point of pieces of me being obliterated and lost forever. I know I am not perfect. I know I will always be broken. I know that I will always have trust issues and I know that there will always be people I never quite fully let (back) in. And that is okay. That is just who I am. But I am also loving and caring and kind and compassionate and thoughtful and smart and funny and strong and feisty and stubborn and generous and (somewhat) forgiving. So maybe focusing on all of the good instead of letting the past bad hurt me is creating some ruffles in the universe. Maybe I finally blasted my way off of the path I didn’t want to be on, and am finally on the one that I always hoped I would find.

Whatever is happening, I am just gonna keep pushing. I am not going to let some minor setbacks in my life alter where I know I want to go. And if there are people in my life who enjoyed the chaos more, and don’t think I can actually pull this shit off… may I introduce to you the door. Step out and close it behind you. Because I am hard enough on myself. I don’t need any more outside help with that. I am not here to entertain people with my life. I am over that shit. It is behind me, and the spectators should be, too. There are a few people who come to mind while talking about this.. and they played a very big part in my “worthless” campaign over the last few days. Those people are as good as dead to me now. I will still smile and be polite, but they are 100% behind me and on the other side of my wall now. And in my life, there is exactly one person who ever came back after being shunned – and I married him. I assure you no one else will ever make that sort of a comeback.

So. Once again… bad day or a cosmic shitfest? I don’t know. But I intend on finding out. But in the meantime, if I could just stop kicking shit, that would be great. My toes are so sore.

Do you even resolution, dude?

Well, Christmas is over… trees and decorations are beginning to be stored (mine has been down since Christmas day night.. hahahaa), money is starting to go back onto peoples well-used credit cards, shelves are beginning to be re-stocked, and all the boxing day sales are in full-swing.

I love Christmas lights. Not having lights on in my house is one of my favorite things, and at Christmas, that goal is always met. It is just so comforting to sit in the living room under the glow of your tree. But I am not going to lie, I quite enjoy the cleanliness that accompanies an un-decorated house.

And with the clean houses and boxed up sparkly shit comes a whole other season – resolution season! When people vow to be better, smarter, skinnier, healthier, kinder, funnier, more outdoorsy, spend less time online, spend more time with their kids, read more, laugh more, learn more, do more, love more, hate less… bla fucking bla.

Did you know that more than 80% of all resolutions are broken by February 1st? I am sure that number is incorrect (because I just made it up without the nuisance of actually researching it… hahahaha… maybe I should resolve to be more sleuthy) But I do know that a great deal of them fall by the wayside before Valentines Day.

Why? What the hell is so wrong (and difficult) with being a better person? Why must we resolve to not suck, and then why must we suck so hard that we forget about our resolutions and just become our old shitty selves? WHY!?

Okay, maybe not everyone is a shitty person, sure. But I still think that people should all try to be better. And not just because it is January 1st. Who gives a flying shit-wheel what day of the year it is.. don’t suck and don’t be a shitty person!

What are your resolutions this year? Do you have any that don’t drip of typical cliché?

Me? I don’t really do resolutions. I try to be a better version of me every single day. And it doesn’t always work out (which is leading me to believe that I am so perfect that there isn’t anything to fix… LMFAO! Sorry, excuse me while I clean myself up, because I just laughed myself silly)

I think resolutions are good for getting people up and off the couch, for sales at bookstores and fitness stores, for the membership desks at gyms… but I am not sold on the entire premise. January 1st just means that you need a new calendar (for real, do people even use calendars anymore!? I do, cuz I am a mom and that’s what we do.. but normal people? Calendars? Anyone!?) January 1st does not mean that you need to completely change who you are. I do enjoy that people try to be better – I just wish it lasted for more than the coldest month of the year. Perhaps that is the problem – people get sick of bettering themselves while their lungs are aching from the cold and their nostrils at freezing shut. This year is not cold though people, so you just lost your excuse!

Honestly though… I want to read more, I want to get my book published, I want to go back to school, I want to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, a better person, I want to travel more, I want to expand my vocabulary, I want to learn Italian, I want to beat my thyroid and lose this fucking weight once and for all… some people see these as “resolutions”… I just see them as a checklist to be my best self.

resolution: the act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict, problem, etc

I do not see myself as a “problem” that requires fixing. Perhaps therein lays the problem – people need to stop seeing themselves as problems, and just start trying to be happy.

“Problem” solved.

Finding the me in the lonely.. 

I have been feeling lonely lately. I don’t know if it’s because the days are shorter (not actually, as they’re still 24 hours, but just so damned much darkness), or if it’s because of the time of year and thinking of people I’ve lost over the years, if it’s some bizarre festive depression-like shit, or if I’m just sad. Who fucking knows – it could be hormonal (thanks, thyroid) 

But what I do know is, I have to find me in the lonely. I know I’m in there somewhere, I just have to keep digging. 

I’ve lost some people over the years, and it continues to sting. Some of the people I’ve lost, I’ve all but forgotten about. But some will never fade into the background. And Christmas is always harder on you when you miss someone. 

But why do I feel lonely? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not lonely; perhaps its that I am listless. I have lots of lists (thanks, type a) but I feel like I should be going somewhere, doing something, and I’m not. But what? Where? 

I have some plans for 2017 and I’m hoping it will help shed some light on my darkness. What I do know for sure is, more people will be fading into the background, and I’m okay with that. One thing I have no doubt about – some people need to go away. Some people are toxic and I need not have that sludge any longer. I don’t know why I held on for so long. Perhaps because it’s what society has said is right. 

Well fuck society. 

I will finish off this year as best as I can and will as much strength as I can garner. And then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find the me in the lonely, and she can, once again, be set free. 

I’ve lost myself over the years. Smiling at people who don’t deserve smiles. Letting things go that deserved a fight. Allowing poor treatment when a punch was more deserving. I need to find me. And I think that will abolish the lonely. 

Maybe I’m not lonely. I think, maybe, the more likely story is, I’m lost. 

With everything they have..

I think we can all agree, people are different. And I don’t necessarily mean in a “wow, she has multiple screws loose” kind of different, but different in the fact that we are all fucked in our own special way.

Yes. Fucked. I said it. You know why? Because normal is just an enigma, and it is one that far too many strive for, when they/we should just accept our screwballiness and totally rage in the face of insanity.

Moving on..

When people find other people who fit into their particular funny shaped opening (don’t be a pervert) it is a special moment. And it is one that you should revel in. Make shirts. Throw a party. Crack those obnoxiously messy new years thingys. Do it. You know you want to.

Whether it comes in the form or a friend, or someone who is more than a friend, hold on tight. There is so much ugly in the world, it is amazing to find something that brightens and improves your life.

Friends are so great – they are the family you got to choose. I have some people who I’ve added to my family, and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. And some great family. And then there’s my husband. Damnit, he is my person. My everything. My forever.

(yes this is all leading somewhere)

This is why I get so SHOCKED that people just chuck other people away because they don’t feel like they love them enough. WHAT?!

I’ve heard of the most absurd breakups. One time, I heard a story from my friend, about some girl she knew who broke up her very long term relationship because her live-in boyfriend didn’t fluff the throw cushions properly, or put the cap back on the toothpaste efficiently. Holy shit. Remember when I said people were fucked? Yep. Case and point!

People, just because someone doesn’t love you in the way you feel you should be, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you in the only way they know, or with everything that they’ve got.

My friends are busy and have their own lives. Do I fault them for not replying to texts in a timely fashion, of which I deem acceptable? No. They are great and amazing people, and they will get back to me when they can. I never expected to be a higher priority than their job, or spouse, or kids!

My husband doesn’t clean the way I do, or obsess over absurd shit like I do. Do I fault him for not being the same Type A lunatic that I am, or doing things the way I do, or expect him to? Fuck no! He is who he is, and he is who I fell in love with. I didn’t fall in love with him because he could fluff a mean pillow, or he perfectly organized the pantry.. I already did that shit, so I feel like if we both did, there would be a power struggle. So this works.

They love me. They love me in the way that they can, in the capacity that they can, in their own special and fucked up way.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think they should, doesn’t make it wrong. We are all fucked, just try and find the people who are the same level of fuckiness as you, and hold on with both hands.

Oh look, another dumb post..

We are sitting smack-dab in the middle of a very important month (to us, anyway).

November is DIABETES AWARENESS MONTH, and while to most that means nothing, to us, it means the world!

Our son was diagnosed on November 9th, 2015. And we were in the hospital, learning how to keep him alive at this time last month, so we didn’t really even know what the month represented. To us, it was just the month that we celebrated our youngest sons birthday, and me and my husbands wedding anniversary. Now, it means so much more.

So, in an attempt to educate, advocate and get the word out about what almost took our boy away from us forever, I’ve been posting things about diabetes every day. And do you know what I have noticed? Really, nobody gives two shits! (except for the people it also directly affects, with the exception of VERY few)

I am sure there are people (family included) who sit behind their screens and scoff every time I make a diabetes post. And do you know what I have to say to them? “I hope something horrible never happens to you or your children.. because this sucks. And on another note, go sit and spin, you self-indulged asshats” And while that may lose me some people, that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, do I need those people in my life? The people who don’t really care that we are trying to teach people about what our life has become? No, I certainly do NOT.

Because while it may be seen as an inconvenience to see yet another diabetes post “clogging” your news feed, I can assure you, what it has done to our life is FAR WORSE and harder to deal with. And I can assure you, the people I am referring to are the ones who clog up their own news feeds with the most insignificant drivel, ridiculous re-posts, bullshit that doesn’t really affect anyone, worldly advice (that they probably don’t incorporate into their lives but want to sound worldly), or posts to flaunt their shit and things. And chances are good I am thinking the same thing about your posts.. “Oh look, another dumb post…”(PSA: this is directed at no one person in particular… just a generalization. So don’t go getting your panties into a knot if you fall into an aforementioned category)

That’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their own life and opinion. And I am not going to sit here and say that I have never posted drivel or inspirational crap, because I have. But I am also trying to bring light and understanding to a disease that was days away from stealing my baby from me, forever.

Until you have watched your own child fading away, begging for help and peace, crying over their tiny wrists and protruding hip bones, losing sleep over what is wrong with them, losing sleep over the possibility of losing them every single night, losing sleep over their insulin dose, why their numbers are so high, what did they eat, knowing every carbohydrate that enters their mouth, forcing water down their throat, crying because this is their fucking life now… until you have lived the hell, you will never get it.

I am going to continue posting about my son, because who knows who it might help. The symptoms masquerade themselves as so many different things. Our son was sick for a long time before his diagnosis, and it was written off as a multitude of different reasons. That’s what it does – it hides in the corner, wearing different masks, and lures your child into the darkness.. and for lots of kids, they never come out of the darkness, and they’re lost forever. Luckily, I am very stubborn and knew better. Lots of parents aren’t so lucky.

So THAT… that is why I am posting every day. Because someone might get to hear their child laugh for another day because of something I said. And that means more to me than likes and comments and activity on my posts.

So you keep posting what you want to, and I’ll keep posting about this. We can both coexist, and that is fine. I just hope, to these people who find more importance in their ridiculous shit on facebook than showing support to an 11 year old who fights a beast every single minute of every day, that nothing ever happens to your family or children. Because it is a different story when that coin is flipped.. and let me tell you, it is awfully lonely on this side of the coin.

People just don’t get it until they get it. And I pray to shit, you never get it.