What do you say when “I love you” just isn’t enough? 

“I love You” – three of the most powerful words in existence. On their own, they really aren’t anything spectacular or special, but when you combine them, their power knows no limit.

But what do you say when you feel like those three words don’t even scratch the surface? Just aren’t enough to explain how you feel? Just lack the proper depiction of how you truly feel?

Herein lays my predicament.

Ordinarily, I spend my days being sarcastic and quippy – I am witty and I joke. Call it a defense mechanism, call it what you want – but I don’t tend to let my emotions out to play. But when it comes to my husband, all of that pushes aside and opens up a side of me that I didn’t think existed before he came along. That is not to say that I was heartless or mean before him, but I sure as shit didn’t feel anything close to what I feel now.

I don’t honestly believe I had any idea what love was, or had ever experienced love, before my husband.

Lets preface this with this; I love my kids. I have always loved my kids. I have never been cold or unloving to them. So lets remove any bullshit accusations from this post before they even arise, mkay? Loving my kids wasn’t something that took me by surprise – it is a different kind of love. It just was. Same goes for family. Now that we have that out of the way….

Moving on….

So, what can you say when “I love you” just isn’t enough? I feel like every time I say these three words to him, it is a lame-ass joke, a farce, and totally lackluster. Because that which I feel for him goes so much deeper than just love. What we have is no ordinary love. It is not something most people know and experience. We have the shit that reaaaaaaally sappy movies and books are written about. Him and I exist on a plane that most will never experience. I love him in ways that the majority of the earth won’t ever know or feel.

Everyone feels love differently. That is not to say that what I feel is not what others feel, or what they feel is not one hundred percent real to them. All I know is this is insane shit,  and sometimes it stills scares me. It has been over seven years, and it still scares me shitless. I am not sure if that is normal, but it’s real. I have spoken, in great detail, to friends and family about this, and their experiences with love and all that mushy shit. And what I can tell you is that what my husband and I have is rare. And real. And different.

So what do you say when you know that “I love you” pales in comparison to how you genuinely feel? I guess you say this…..

To my husband;

You put me back together – before you, I was numb. I didn’t feel, and I didn’t want to. I did what I had to to get through each and every day, I wore a smile that I rarely believed, and my heart was solidly guarded behind a lot of pain, fear and sarcasm. I didn’t let myself feel. I didn’t let myself want. I didn’t let myself dream, or hope, or love. I was happy that way. It was what it was. I had my life and my kids, and I figured that was it for me. Then you came along and put me back together. Took my wall down brick by brick, with love in your eyes and understanding in your heart. You helped me put my broken shattered pieces back together, and in a way that was so much better than I ever imagined. You showed me that love is actually real, and that I was worthy of it, after so many years of me believing otherwise.

I miss you – we spent so many months apart, separated by hours and hundreds of miles, when we first started dating. In those times, I didn’t feel like I was whole. Like a part of me was missing. Previous to you, I didn’t realize that anything was missing. But once I had you, I knew that there was. And once I had you, I never wanted to be without that piece again. So now that we are together, have a home, have a life, and spend every day with each other, I don’t want to ever not be by your side. With you beside me, I feel safe. I feel like everything will be okay, like nothing is really that bad.. that together, we can do anything, and overcome anything. When you aren’t with me, I miss you, it hurts to breathe, and I feel like you take a piece of me with you. Even when you are in the other room, you are too far away. That doesn’t mean I can’t survive without you beside me, it just means I don’t fucking want to anymore.

I need you – I feel like part of me is missing when we aren’t together. You keep me calm. You make me smile. You fill the missing parts of me that nobody else ever could. You aren’t just my other half because we are married, and that is just what people say; you are my other half because that is who you are. You complete me and make me feel whole. You make me feel real. You have shown me who I am and who I can be, and I never want to feel anything other than that way with you by my side.

I am scared – I am scared on so many levels. I am scared to lose you. I am scared to lose us. I am scared that one day I will wake and you will be gone. I am scared that you will realize all of the horrible things I still think about myself are actually true and you will leave me. I am scared that something else will take you from me. I am scared that people who have been fighting to make this end for us will eventually win. I am scared that the universe will make one last attempt and it will shatter what we have. I am not scared to be alone – I can be alone – I have before. I am scared that I won’t have you by my side and there will be a loneliness that I have never endured and it will end me. I am scared of losing you, because with you, I finally found who I am, and I never want to feel lost or alone again.

You make me happy – you make me happier than I ever thought a person could be. We don’t even have to be doing anything, and I am happy. I have never been this happy in my whole life. I get shivers and tingles just looking at you. Hearing your laugh brings me more joy than I ever thought a simple laugh could. Even just sitting beside you makes me feel so much happiness and peace. I never realized just how miserable I was until you came along and showed me what real happiness felt like. You make me so happy, so unbelievably fucking happy.

You calm me down – I have fought insomnia all of my life. I have had problems sleeping as far back as my memory will allow me to remember. Even when we started dating, I was on prescription sleeping pills. It wasn’t until that first night that you came to my house, laying on my bed, and I rested my head on your chest (something I had done before, but never with you) and my eyes closed for what I felt was just a quick moment, but hours had passed. Right then, I knew you were someone special to me. The sound of your heart beating calms me down and I can fall asleep immediately. I have never felt that peace before in my whole life. I sleep with you. You calm me. You make me feel safe. I have never slept as well as I do with you beside me.

You are my person – it is no secret, I like you. But you have taken on a roll that not many people could ever live up to. You are my person. You are the only person I need to talk to every day. You are the only person who makes me smile, calms me down, speeds up my heart and slows it down at the same time, I want to tell all of my secrets and stories to, knows everything about me and still wants to stay, can make me laugh and cry at the same time, makes me happier than I thought possible, shows me the beauty in everything, brings me peace and hope, keeps optimism alive (even if it is in the dark recesses of my brain), shows me that there is a silver lining and always helps me to see it…. you are my person. You are my everything.

You are my everything – I don’t really know how else to say this… words alone can not begin to explain how much I love you. How deeply I love you. How much I need you. How important you are to me. What you mean to me. What you have done for me. What you continue to do for me.

You are my everything. You are my heart. You are my past, my present and my future. You are my person. You are my heart and soul. You are my every thought and dream. You are the air in my lungs and the love in my heart. You are the best parts of me, and the hope that keeps me going. You are my positive, my light and my happiness.

You, my husband, are my love. The only love I have ever known. You are my other half. You are everything to me. And I can not begin to explain how much I love you or what you mean to me, but maybe these words will make it a fraction more clear.

I. Love. You.

Forever.

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Alone or just lonely.. 

I read this article the other day that struck a chord with me a little. Lately, I have felt like I was invisible. Why? I could be in a room full of people, and still feel all alone. Like I could leave, and no one would notice or care. I used to be an extrovert – I fed off of other peoples energy and felt sad when I was alone for long periods of time, and I was very outgoing. But now, I feel like I have slowly drifted into being an anxious introvert. I don’t really know when this shift happened, but it fucking did.

It can be really exhausting. I don’t like this feeling, but how do I make it go away? I am inclined to blame my thyroid. I would like to think that it is the culprit to my mental shitshow. But what if it isn’t? I don’t like constantly questioning the intentions and loyalty of not only my friends (like, my best friends who are always there for me) but also my husband. Not only do I not deserve to have these awful questions in my head about these wonderful people, but they don’t deserve it, either.

But how do I make it go away, when my invisibility cloak is suffocating me?

I get flashes of my old badass self – the girl who was outspoken, outgoing, determined, happy. So it gives me hope that one day I will return to that, and it will no longer just be my alter-ego and a distant memory. But holy fuck, I wish that “one day” was sooner rather than later. I am not sure my poor heart can take much more of this loneliness and wondering, as unjustified as it may or may not be. 

This article, it was about high functioning anxiety, and what a shitshow it can be in your own head. Here is the article; I have left the authors name for credit. NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THIS NEXT PART!!!! It just kind of spoke to me, and put a voice to my weird inner shit. I can’t stress enough how legit and accurate this is, as sad as it makes me to admit.

This piece was written by Kirsten Corley, author of “But Before You Leave

Your best friend. Your boyfriend. Your family (if they had a choice.)

Because this thing you didn’t choose is trying to convince you that all of who you are is defined by one word. Anxiety.

It’s one wrong text message.

One tone you didn’t even mean to speak in.

Another night out of things you only half remember with a help of a drink too many.

One conversation you wonder if you told too much.

It’s a text unanswered that sends your mind wandering.

And a call that goes right to voicemail.

It’s a second text to clarify.

Just hoping they will answer.

Even though you know you should have waited.

It’s looking at your best friend of a decade plus and doubting them.

Not for anything they did but for something you haven’t even done yet.

Self-doubt. Questioning. Analyzing. Overthinking.

It’s the waiting for people to leave.

It’s ruining something before it even begins.

It’s goodbye without the word that becomes an expectation.

It’s the nights that keep you up tossing and turning.

It’s not hearing from someone for a while and thinking they are mad.

Even though realistically they have no reason to be.

It’s an apology you don’t have to say, yet you feel you need to.

Just to ease your mind.

People ask about enemies and the only one you’ve known is yourself.

Trapped inside your mind that keeps you prisoner.2

Pushing people away who you want to stay.

But you don’t want to burden or bother them with a problem that’s your own.

It’s the want and need to just hear words, “It’s OK.”

That confidence boost that will shift everything.

You feel guilty even asking.

But you want to just hear that they won’t go.

Because when your mind plays tricks on you and tells you everyone you care about will leave you, you don’t want to believe it.

But part of you does.

You didn’t choose this so why would anyone want to choose you?

That’s the voice you hear on repeat.

And you don’t want to come across as clingy but you care.

You care too much and think too little.

You love too hard but everything about you is soft.

You try and overcompensate just to give them a reason to stay.

But what you don’t believe is they are choosing to be here because they want to be.

Because you aren’t as bad and intolerable and unlovable as you think you are10.

Anxiety is just trying to trick you into believing you are all these things.

But if you look around for just a moment you’ll realize the people who matter haven’t gone anywhere.

Not just your run of the mill love story.. 


There is love, the kind of love that most people experience. You enjoy being around the person, you choose to have a life with them, start a family, spend your days with them.. this is the way that most of civilization experiences “love”. 

Then there are the people who HAVE to be around one another, or they physically hurt. That’s where I fall. 

My husband and I have a very strange story. It’s the kind of thing that really cheesy summer movies are written about. What kind of person just puts their head in a strangers lap, looks up and quotes Forest Gump, and holds her hand? My husband, that’s who. That’s how we met. And from the day I met him, I knew he was different, and I think he would say the same about me – in fact, he has. We didn’t get together right off the bat. We had years and years of our own lives, own paths, own focus. 

But something life altering brought us together, and since the first time he messaged me, I can’t get enough of him. It’s more than just a want or desire, it’s an actual need. He has told me repeatedly that he’s addicted to me. And I agree. I’ve tried to explain this to friends before and they smile, but I don’t think anyone really gets it. 

When he’s not with me, even if we are only separated for a few minutes or hours, or days (which has only happened 4 times in our entire relationship) I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not in the gross Nicholas Sparks velveeta novel sort of ways, but like there is a literal piece of me missing. 

Trevor and I have spent 7 years discussing our life together. And the best way I can explain it is magnetic. There’s no way I could ever be away from him. Something in me pulls me to him (don’t be gross). He has said the same thing. It’s like two very strong magnets. 

I love him. That is undeniable. But I need him. He is like oxygen. I can’t live without it, and I couldn’t live without him. 

I never really felt like something was missing in my life, per say. But I can say this; the first time I kissed him, a part of me came alive. I knew right in that moment that he was my home. Funny thing is, I wasn’t looking for him. He was just supposed to be something fun, nothing serious. Never in a million years did I ever think that the boy from high school would be the missing piece of me. 

But he is. 

He is my other half. He is my home. He is my forever. Not just my love, he (to quote a really crappy movie)  completes me. He is my soul mate. One soul, two bodies. He is my person. My happy. My forever. My twin flame. 

Badass Bandaids.. 

I have written about this before, a few times. I think bandaids are fucking amazing. The little cartoon ones are pretty badass, and the designs on them nowadays are beyond fun. What is the point of a bandaid? To cover a wound and help you heal by keeping the shit out. Pretty straightforward, right? 

But, I think that some people can be bandaids, too. I have a handful of them in my life. You know who my strongest bandaid is? My husband. He came in to my life when I was a fucking pile of rubble on the floor, and slowly, together, we have put me back together. I’m different now – I put myself back together how I always should have been. And he has been the glue, tape and bandaids that’s held all the pieces together and kept the shit out. He’s fucking amazing and I don’t know what I would do without him. 

I also have some friends who are my like my doc mcstuffins bandaids. Sure, they were there through the demise and rebirth of me, but they weren’t the architects behind the restructure – they were the ones who kept me smiling and made sure my head stayed above water and screwed on straight. Plus, they’re fucking cute.. just like doc mcstuffins haha. They held my hand, lent me their shoulders, gave me their ears for hours upon hours, heard more of the nitty gritty than anyone should be privy to, and they’re still there, holding certain pieces together. Serious angels on earth and I wild be lost without them. 

I was just listening to this song, and something clicked (another topic that I frequently write about).

“I will be right by your side. 

If I can’t find the cure, 

I’ll fix you with my love

No matter what you know, 

I’ll fix you with my love

And if you say you’re okay

I’m gonna heal you anyway

Promise I’ll always be there

Promise I’ll be the cure”

Sounds like a cheesy love song, and maybe it is (Lady Gaga, by the way) but to me, it’s more than that. At its core, it’s about being there for someone and sticking by them for the long haul. And that’s what my bandaids are. I may not need them as much as I used to, for the reasons I used to, anyway… but where are they? Still stuck right to me. None of them could fix me, but they stood by me while I put the pieces back together, they helped where they could, and now, no matter where I go, they’re there. They helped me rebuild, and they’re written in all of what I am now. 

I’m not all better. I don’t think I ever will be. Once rocked that hard, I think it’s always natural to be forever shaky. But I’m doing ok. 

I have some more healing to do, but I know that I have them all behind me. And I think I’m ok with how far I still have to go. They know me and they love me, regardless of the cracks and bandaids and disheveled imperfect perfection. 

How does it go? I’m stuck on bandaids cuz bandaids stuck on me. And I’ll take these crazy ass people with me everywhere I go, with a big fucking smile on my face and a shit-ton of peace in my heart. 

Because of them. My badass bandaids. 

Friends forever…

Forever? Or until something else better comes along? Or until life gets in the way? Or for really forever?

Friendship really is a strange concept, isn’t it? One day you are just walking around and then you see this other person and you say “hey. I like you. You are mine now”. And you just sort of adopt them into your inner circle and start including them in your life. So strange. You don’t know this person at all, but you consider them close enough to share drinks with (gross.. slobber is straight-up grody), share clothes with, share secrets with, share your life with. Admit it, it is SO STRANGE!

But think about it.. how lonely would life be if you didn’t have friends? How lonely would life be if you had no one to text all day long, hang out with at nights and on the weekend, to do trips and holidays with, to confide in, to bawl uncontrollably when life craps on you, to laugh with, to ask for opinions and advice, or to stand with you while you get married. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like some boring and lonely shit to me!

Good thing we have friends, hey? Yes. Having friends is a blessing, but it could also be seen as a curse. You get attached, you give a part of yourself to these people, you let them in, let down the walls, and show them who you really are. So what does that do to you when/if you lose them? Right. It destroys you. It is almost worse than a breakup, because when you breakup with someone, who do you call? Right! YOUR FRIENDS! So when you “breakup” with your friends, what do you do? You cry into your wine and then get pissed off because you’ve now watered down your last bottle of vino. It is a truly shitty deal, dude.

I am not saying that all friendships end in wasted wine, but not everything lasts forever. Sure, there are those blessed and magical friendships that can span even the largest spaces in time… but for the most part, people change, situations change, life changes.. shit happens. It is just the way that life can ebb and flow. And sometimes that ebb and flow lands you in a wave without a life vest. It sucks, but it is true. It hurts like a son of a bitch when you open up your heart and then watch that one character in your story slowly get written out. Pain, anguish and vats of salty watered down sauvignon blanc.

I know that popular saying says “thanks for the memories” but I really hate that. I have a very very very good memory, which often means a lot of unnecessary pain. I remember things that people have long forgotten about, I remember situations and how I felt, and how people have made me feel… and when I lose that, it stings, as it does with anyone. Somedays I wish my memory was less fantastic, but then I suppose I would miss my memory and all that it allowed me to hold on to.

I know I have written about friends before, but that post was an ode to the shitbaskets. I guess this post is more of a tribute to the good ones that may not necessarily be everyday participants in my circus anymore. I know there are a certain few who will always be there, in the background, and I take solace in that fact. But it doesn’t make it sting any less when I think back on how constant they used to be and no longer are. That’s not to say I blame them or hold a grudge… Just miss them and what used to be. It is always a shock to the system when you have a shift from constant to background, even if the shift happened slowly… slow or not, that shit shocks and stings.

Life changes, people change, situations change, nothing stays the same forever… There are a few certain people I want to stand on a rooftop and scream this to, with my tear saturated wine in hand: I will always have a space in my heart for you, you will always be a huge part of my history and a part of my happily ever after… I love and miss you…. and just like the stars, even though you may not always be able to see me, I am always there, just trying to make life a little bit more bright and sparkly for you.

Defective? Or sucky?

Yesterday, I found myself pondering.. damn you sickness, do you see what you made me do? You made me ponder! When I am left to my own devices, and allowed to wander the dark recesses of my own brain, horrific terrors are usually emerge. Yesterday’s theme was “am I defective? or just sucky? why does everyone leave?” and from there, it spiraled. I frequently feel like “the girl that everyone remembers, but is easily forgotten” and that is a sad and lonely way to feel.

I thought back on a few of the larger losses in my life (people who chose to leave, not people who passed away.. I didn’t go that dark) I came up with a top 10 list of the more memorable (and sad, confusing, befuddling or down right douchey ones)

  1. the sisters. I would like to preface this with my total and utter disdain for vapid, shallow, self-involved fake bleach hair bitches. These two, I had been friends with since grade four. FOUR! That is a long time when you are 20 years old. Why did they decide to unfriend me? Their words? “you are just the wrong body type” THANKS! Nothing boosts your ego more than people telling you you look the wrong way when you are a measly 110 pounds. Apparently that extra 4 pounds I weighed more than them made me unsavory. Oh, and I am pretty sure it was also because my hair was brown.
  2. the dude from high school. He decided I was no longer worth being friends with because I was “squishy” in my mid-section. Another boost to the ego.
  3. the people who decided I was no longer worth being friends with because I got a divorce. Thanks. May you rot in hell, you hypocritical douche-monkeys.
  4. the girl with the big truck. She helped me stay sane during my divorce, and spent one night a week with me, just so I wasn’t lonely.. who phoned me one night, drunk off her ass, and told me she had just hooked up with some dude I BRIEFLY saw (like, so briefly, it lasted only a couple hours.. that is a funny story, but one for another day) which also meant she had cheated on her boyfriend. She didn’t ever call me again after that.
  5. the girl from high school. Friends since grade 10. Went through all sorts of crap together. Pretty close. Had a couple crazy fun weekends (one of which I was roofied and dragged into some strange persons car, pulled out by some other dude, and apparently rode in a stretch hummer? I have no recollection of any of this, but this is what I was told happened..) attended her wedding… then one day she texts me and says “I unfriended you on facebook. You are just too negative to be friends with now. See ya”. She did this while I was in Mexico on a family vacation, and hadn’t spoken to her in over a month at that point. WTF.
  6. the girl who tried buying my friendship. We had been friends since 2005. Talked all the time. Hung out lots. She was someone I leaned on heavily during my hardest times, and vice versa. She was a very good friend to me. When I was single, sad and alone, she texted me every night, because she knew that my saddest thing was having no one to say good night to. She started getting distant and apologized, once even offering to buy me things to make up for being MIA. “I am gonna be around anyway, you might as well get something out of it” to which I replied “being my friend is all I want”. And one day we were friends, and the next, she removed me on facebook and hasn’t responded to a text I have sent, since. 8 years of friendship, and no reason why it ended.
  7. the girl with the asshole husband. I am pretty sure he decided that we weren’t to be friends anymore.. Cuz there was no other logical explanation.
  8. the here-when-it’s-convenient-for-me-only girl. Really no need to delve into that one.. it is pretty self-explanatory. Pretty sure I just didn’t properly fit into her world anymore, and it was just easier to only pop in and out of my life when she had nothing else going on.
  9. the self involved selfie taker. We were good friends, our kids were friends, we had a lot in common and talked all the time. Then one day, after we had hung out, she decided that I didn’t fit in her life anymore, and that was that.
  10. the best friend since grade 7. What can I say about this one? She was my best friend. We grew up together. We leaned on eachother. We were a huge part of eachothers lives. I loved the crap out of her. She was my person for the longest time. We had coffee two days before I moved away from the town where we were both living, and everything was fine. I hugged her goodbye, we vowed to stay in touch, and shed a few tears as we walked to our vehicles. I tried texting after that, but never got a reply. I have facebooked her on her birthday every year, but rarely get responses. I sometimes go and look at her pictures, and it makes my chest hurt. She was my best friend and I miss her all the time. I don’t know why, and I probably never will. Friends from 1991-2012 and just gone.. just like that.

I see these people I am friends with now, and they have friends from when they were kids, in school, etc…. and I wonder how that feels. Because I don’t have that. I used to. But I don’t anymore. And it makes me wonder… why? Why was it so easy for these people to just go away? Am I defective? A sucky friend? A crappy person? I don’t think I am. But there is clearly something fundamentally wrong with who I am, if 10 people can just turn and walk away, without ever looking back.

It sucks that I will never have that person in my life who knew me when I was a kid (outside of family, of course). Or when I had my first kid. Or when I went through my hell and landed on my feet. It sucks that any of my “remember when” moments with my current people all start when I am in my 20’s or 30’s. It is sad. I feel like I have been robbed of a part of life that everyone around me has. It makes me sad. It makes me feel broken.

Like, I know that my life was a rollercoaster ride for the longest time. I know that I went through an enormous amount of pain and shit. But most of these people left me either right before, or right after, all of the hell on earth. So, who knows. I will probably never get any answers (other than the obvious ones, which are those certain people in that list are just giant fucking asshats…)

Still, if I could get any of them back… I would give my left kidney for #10 to be sitting at my table laughing with me again. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I miss you.

Boxes and silver linings

Over the past month, I have watched my life go back into boxes… It is a feeling and sight I am more than familiar with. I have moved a lot in my life, and as much as I hate packing, moving into a new place is always kind of fun. Organizing a new space can be cathartic. Though, our next move is going to be verrrrry temporary… My husband is referring to is as our “pit stop to our forever” and that makes me very excited and happy to think about 🙂

My husband has an uncanny way of making me see the bright side of everything. He is my silver lining. When I get down on things about everything changing, he is the one who pulls me back in. When I get upset about my thyroid and everything that is messed up, he makes me smile. When I get sad about all of the junk that has transpired over the past few years, he brings to my attention everything that has gone right or gotten better, and it makes me happy.

So I know that no matter what happens with our future, I will be happy as long as he is standing beside me. And I know that he will always be beside me… moving boxes, thyroid issues, weight problems, drama, uncertainty, anything.. he will be beside me, and everything will be okay.

My energy level has gone up a ton since I started taking all of these new vitamins and I am hoping that once the stress of my current situation subsides, the weight will start coming off again. But until that happens, I will keep plugging along, drinking my Shakeology and doing my thing, and knowing that I am doing my best, and living in my own personal silver lining with my happily ever after….

XO