“I love You” – three of the most powerful words in existence. On their own, they really aren’t anything spectacular or special, but when you combine them, their power knows no limit.
But what do you say when you feel like those three words don’t even scratch the surface? Just aren’t enough to explain how you feel? Just lack the proper depiction of how you truly feel?
Herein lays my predicament.
Ordinarily, I spend my days being sarcastic and quippy – I am witty and I joke. Call it a defense mechanism, call it what you want – but I don’t tend to let my emotions out to play. But when it comes to my husband, all of that pushes aside and opens up a side of me that I didn’t think existed before he came along. That is not to say that I was heartless or mean before him, but I sure as shit didn’t feel anything close to what I feel now.
I don’t honestly believe I had any idea what love was, or had ever experienced love, before my husband.
Lets preface this with this; I love my kids. I have always loved my kids. I have never been cold or unloving to them. So lets remove any bullshit accusations from this post before they even arise, mkay? Loving my kids wasn’t something that took me by surprise – it is a different kind of love. It just was. Same goes for family. Now that we have that out of the way….
So, what can you say when “I love you” just isn’t enough? I feel like every time I say these three words to him, it is a lame-ass joke, a farce, and totally lackluster. Because that which I feel for him goes so much deeper than just love. What we have is no ordinary love. It is not something most people know and experience. We have the shit that reaaaaaaally sappy movies and books are written about. Him and I exist on a plane that most will never experience. I love him in ways that the majority of the earth won’t ever know or feel.
Everyone feels love differently. That is not to say that what I feel is not what others feel, or what they feel is not one hundred percent real to them. All I know is this is insane shit, and sometimes it stills scares me. It has been over seven years, and it still scares me shitless. I am not sure if that is normal, but it’s real. I have spoken, in great detail, to friends and family about this, and their experiences with love and all that mushy shit. And what I can tell you is that what my husband and I have is rare. And real. And different.
So what do you say when you know that “I love you” pales in comparison to how you genuinely feel? I guess you say this…..
To my husband;
You put me back together – before you, I was numb. I didn’t feel, and I didn’t want to. I did what I had to to get through each and every day, I wore a smile that I rarely believed, and my heart was solidly guarded behind a lot of pain, fear and sarcasm. I didn’t let myself feel. I didn’t let myself want. I didn’t let myself dream, or hope, or love. I was happy that way. It was what it was. I had my life and my kids, and I figured that was it for me. Then you came along and put me back together. Took my wall down brick by brick, with love in your eyes and understanding in your heart. You helped me put my broken shattered pieces back together, and in a way that was so much better than I ever imagined. You showed me that love is actually real, and that I was worthy of it, after so many years of me believing otherwise.
I miss you – we spent so many months apart, separated by hours and hundreds of miles, when we first started dating. In those times, I didn’t feel like I was whole. Like a part of me was missing. Previous to you, I didn’t realize that anything was missing. But once I had you, I knew that there was. And once I had you, I never wanted to be without that piece again. So now that we are together, have a home, have a life, and spend every day with each other, I don’t want to ever not be by your side. With you beside me, I feel safe. I feel like everything will be okay, like nothing is really that bad.. that together, we can do anything, and overcome anything. When you aren’t with me, I miss you, it hurts to breathe, and I feel like you take a piece of me with you. Even when you are in the other room, you are too far away. That doesn’t mean I can’t survive without you beside me, it just means I don’t fucking want to anymore.
I need you – I feel like part of me is missing when we aren’t together. You keep me calm. You make me smile. You fill the missing parts of me that nobody else ever could. You aren’t just my other half because we are married, and that is just what people say; you are my other half because that is who you are. You complete me and make me feel whole. You make me feel real. You have shown me who I am and who I can be, and I never want to feel anything other than that way with you by my side.
I am scared – I am scared on so many levels. I am scared to lose you. I am scared to lose us. I am scared that one day I will wake and you will be gone. I am scared that you will realize all of the horrible things I still think about myself are actually true and you will leave me. I am scared that something else will take you from me. I am scared that people who have been fighting to make this end for us will eventually win. I am scared that the universe will make one last attempt and it will shatter what we have. I am not scared to be alone – I can be alone – I have before. I am scared that I won’t have you by my side and there will be a loneliness that I have never endured and it will end me. I am scared of losing you, because with you, I finally found who I am, and I never want to feel lost or alone again.
You make me happy – you make me happier than I ever thought a person could be. We don’t even have to be doing anything, and I am happy. I have never been this happy in my whole life. I get shivers and tingles just looking at you. Hearing your laugh brings me more joy than I ever thought a simple laugh could. Even just sitting beside you makes me feel so much happiness and peace. I never realized just how miserable I was until you came along and showed me what real happiness felt like. You make me so happy, so unbelievably fucking happy.
You calm me down – I have fought insomnia all of my life. I have had problems sleeping as far back as my memory will allow me to remember. Even when we started dating, I was on prescription sleeping pills. It wasn’t until that first night that you came to my house, laying on my bed, and I rested my head on your chest (something I had done before, but never with you) and my eyes closed for what I felt was just a quick moment, but hours had passed. Right then, I knew you were someone special to me. The sound of your heart beating calms me down and I can fall asleep immediately. I have never felt that peace before in my whole life. I sleep with you. You calm me. You make me feel safe. I have never slept as well as I do with you beside me.
You are my person – it is no secret, I like you. But you have taken on a roll that not many people could ever live up to. You are my person. You are the only person I need to talk to every day. You are the only person who makes me smile, calms me down, speeds up my heart and slows it down at the same time, I want to tell all of my secrets and stories to, knows everything about me and still wants to stay, can make me laugh and cry at the same time, makes me happier than I thought possible, shows me the beauty in everything, brings me peace and hope, keeps optimism alive (even if it is in the dark recesses of my brain), shows me that there is a silver lining and always helps me to see it…. you are my person. You are my everything.
You are my everything – I don’t really know how else to say this… words alone can not begin to explain how much I love you. How deeply I love you. How much I need you. How important you are to me. What you mean to me. What you have done for me. What you continue to do for me.
You are my everything. You are my heart. You are my past, my present and my future. You are my person. You are my heart and soul. You are my every thought and dream. You are the air in my lungs and the love in my heart. You are the best parts of me, and the hope that keeps me going. You are my positive, my light and my happiness.
You, my husband, are my love. The only love I have ever known. You are my other half. You are everything to me. And I can not begin to explain how much I love you or what you mean to me, but maybe these words will make it a fraction more clear.
I. Love. You.