You have heard the saying “when things start to go right is when everything will go wrong”.. or something like that – I just paraphrased. Well, welcome to my current predicament.
For years, I have trucked along, perfectly content with the complacency that my life had become. It was not boring, but it was no longer absolute chaos – and I was happy with that.
But lately, I have decided to two-fist some bulls balls and take control, and point my life in an entirely new direction. I started reading more again, I started working on my insides, I started working out every day, I started eating better again, I started focusing on the relationships I care deeply about, I started ignoring the shit and the toxic people, I decided to remove things from my life that don’t bring me joy (except my skinny clothes – they bum me out now, but one day I hope to fit in them again, which will then bring me joy), I found a group of women who are on the same path as me and lift me up on a daily basis, I started focusing my entire attention on my kids when they are around, I started digging deep with my kids to make sure they know at their core that they are total superstars, I ordered my sons CGM (continuous glucose monitor) which is going to give all of us a lot more freedom and peace of mind, I started focusing on my husband and what made me fall in love with him in the first place, I started working to make my marriage as strong as possible (it has never been weak or shaky, but I want it to be stronger than ever), I started looking into possible schooling for me, I started figuring out what I want to do with my life (for real, I feel like I am in grade 11 and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.. it is DAUNTING!)… basically, to summate, I started fixing me and gluing back together the busted shards that had previously been left laying on the floor.
However, what is lining up with all of this self-improvement? Oh right, shit and chaos. I am kicking the couch and coffee table legs every time I walk by, I am dropping and spilling things, I am forgetting appointments, I am crying a lot, I am finding myself insanely impatient with my kids, I am letting bullshit from 7-10 years ago seep into my present and wreak havoc, I am losing things, I am having insane dreams that are making me feel like I haven’t slept, I am sore, I kinked my neck, I am having stomach issues, I am just all around feeling like a worthless piece of crap that isn’t worthy of anything. I am letting every poisonous bullshit garbage thing anyone has ever said to me settle in my brain and take up permanent residence. It is not fun.
So am I just having a bad week? Or is the universe shitting on my parade, like some bastard vengeful pigeon, because I am finally on the right path. I am finally done with all of the drama and bullshit and hurt and pain and anger and vengeance… is it a bad day? Or is it the start of a great life?
I have no fucking idea! I have a lot of hurt in my past. I have been damaged to the point of pieces of me being obliterated and lost forever. I know I am not perfect. I know I will always be broken. I know that I will always have trust issues and I know that there will always be people I never quite fully let (back) in. And that is okay. That is just who I am. But I am also loving and caring and kind and compassionate and thoughtful and smart and funny and strong and feisty and stubborn and generous and (somewhat) forgiving. So maybe focusing on all of the good instead of letting the past bad hurt me is creating some ruffles in the universe. Maybe I finally blasted my way off of the path I didn’t want to be on, and am finally on the one that I always hoped I would find.
Whatever is happening, I am just gonna keep pushing. I am not going to let some minor setbacks in my life alter where I know I want to go. And if there are people in my life who enjoyed the chaos more, and don’t think I can actually pull this shit off… may I introduce to you the door. Step out and close it behind you. Because I am hard enough on myself. I don’t need any more outside help with that. I am not here to entertain people with my life. I am over that shit. It is behind me, and the spectators should be, too. There are a few people who come to mind while talking about this.. and they played a very big part in my “worthless” campaign over the last few days. Those people are as good as dead to me now. I will still smile and be polite, but they are 100% behind me and on the other side of my wall now. And in my life, there is exactly one person who ever came back after being shunned – and I married him. I assure you no one else will ever make that sort of a comeback.
So. Once again… bad day or a cosmic shitfest? I don’t know. But I intend on finding out. But in the meantime, if I could just stop kicking shit, that would be great. My toes are so sore.