Is it worth it to be vulnerable? To let your walls down and let someone in? To allow the opportunity for total heart shattering annihilation? I guess it is a different answer for everyone.
Some will say “yes. Because feeling and giving love is the single greatest gift you’re ever given”.
Some will say “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”.
Some will say “self preservation is where it’s at”.
Some will say “fuck no. Never love, never hurt”.
I honestly can’t say which group I fall into.
I’m a big pusher. I push people, especially when I sense that I’m about to ache. I don’t tend to allow people in enough to hurt me. I’m very much into self preservation. Guard your heart. Yes sir.
And yet I let someone in farther than I’ve ever let anyone before. And it happened fast. It was just supposed to be some fun to have in a fragile time in my life. It was never supposed to turn into a kid, marriage and life. Yet, here we are. Heart all sorts of unguarded and wondering how I ever lived without this person beside me.
That’s not to say I’m not still guarded in some aspect. Not still unsure. Not still terrified. Not still pushing. Is it healthy? Maybe not. But maybe it’s what I have to do.
I worry on a daily basis that he will see through the cracks, I’ll be exposed, and he will bail. Not because he’s a piece of shit and wouldn’t fight. But because I have such low self worth, that I almost judge him for choosing me in the first place. It’s not on him. It’s 100% me.. As cliché as it is, it’s not him, it’s me.
Maybe it will go away one day, but I doubt it. I don’t think I will ever feel valuable or worthy (worthy of what you may ask?Sky’s the limit as far as examples are concerned)
After years and years and years (let’s just call it an even 30) of belittling, cutting down, devaluing, insulting, hurting, ignoring, name calling, and all sorts of other lovely happenings.. I’m a bit bruised. Or to be completely honest, it broke me. Bad. How can you put back the pieces when lots of them were obliterated and no longer exist?
I’ve never been confident. I’ve never really felt like “I’m not half bad”. And I’ve always wondered why anyone would choose me when there’s 7 billion people in the world.
So because of that, and numerous other damaged mentalities, I just don’t really make myself vulnerable. I lock down the one thing that should be so easy for me to hand over to someone. Especially easy to hand to someone who’s vowed to love me forever. So why can’t I?
Why can’t I believe when he, or someone else, says they love me? Why can’t I believe when I’m told I’m special? Why can’t I believe when someone tells me I’m important? Why can’t I believe when I’m told I’m missed? Why can’t I believe when I’m told I’m valued?
Have I locked my heart up so tightly that I can’t even allow myself to believe those who are closest to me? The precious few I’ve actually allowed in? Or have I really ever actually allowed them in?
I don’t like being vulnerable. I despise crying, and do it as little as is necessary, and will not cry in front of people if at all avoidable. I am not a big hugger, and only do it to few people (my kids obviously excluded from this group, because I will always hug them!) I don’t like talking about my feelings; instead, I bottle them up until I forget, and then they come screaming out at some unpredictable moment (much better.. Or something)
I push. I guard. I have deep seeded trust issues. Honestly, if someone feels they have no value, can they ever truly be vulnerable? I honestly don’t think so. So where does that leave me?