What my family is going through right now is not awesome, it is not fun, and it is taking its toll on many of us. But to hear your two older kids bawling on the phone…. that is where this mom is ready to slam down some feet.
My kids called me this morning – that is what woke me up. You know no fear until you hear your son bawling and saying “mommy… jesse… jesse….” over and over. My heart stopped beating, and then started beating a billion times a second. I thought something had happened to my middle-little in his sleep. Then he finally spit it out… “jesse wants to talk to you”… shit, okay, he’s alive. My heart slowed, but only a slight bit.
“I hate my life. This isn’t fair” The words that every parent can expect to hear from their little T1D kid at some point. It doesn’t stop hurting, ever. And I have only been dealing with this for just over a month. I can’t imagine in a few years that it will be any easier to hear. I don’t care that he is 10 – he is still my baby, and he always will be. And my job in life is to make sure he NEVER says those words. And sadly, this is the second or third time I have heard it. It’s understandable, this is total shit, no denying that. However, it is the location of his being when he says this… Never once at home. That should say something.
What is happening to him blows. But I am busting my ass (as is my husband) to ensure that he has the most normal life possible. We still feed him his favorite foods, he still gets treats, he still gets to play and do everything he did before. Only difference is that he has to jab himself a few times a day, and I have to get up at 3am every morning to check his blood sugar. Otherwise, he is still my hilarious and spunky 10 year old. But something happens when he leaves my house for his other weekend spot, that everything changes for him. It’s not fair.. and how he feels when he is gone is not right.
I am having a hard time dealing with this, but this is the second time in my life that is has happened. It is the first time that my husband has ever been around diabetes. But I think we are rocking it. Our son is still an absolute joy to be around, and so full of life and love. THAT is our job. He is still entitled to a childhood. So, why is this shit so hard for that other person to grasp? The person who has had diabetes for 13 years? Why is it a common phrase to hear him say “it is a learning curve. it is new to me. it is taking time to get used to. i will get it” That is not acceptable. The one person in my sons life who should have slid into this role seamlessly is the one person who is constantly dropping all of the balls, to the point where my son is phoning me non-stop because he is unsure of what is going on there. That is unnerving. It is scary enough to have him here, but to know he is so upset and scared at the other place? Heart shattering.
But, I have to let him figure it out on his own. I have to let the reigns go a bit. It is hard. But I know I am only a phone call away. It is going to be a long and hard road, for everyone. I just hope that one day (soon) the other person can remove their head from their ass (might be hard, as it has been wedged up there for 3+ decades already) and give my son a normal childhood and a bit of peace about it. But I suppose there will always be martyrs everywhere, who insist on making every tragedy about them. Just a word of advice, not everything is about you. Not everything is happening to you. Not everything is wrong for you. All of this is about my son, and it is our job as the parentals to make sure he is as unaffected by it as possible. He has so many years of this shit ahead of him….
The reliability of a parent should be so constant, it is boring. You should be there for your kids 100% of the time, no questions asked. They should have no question in their mind over your ability to take care of them and keep them safe and healthy. They are here because of you, period. If you don’t understand this, please come see me, and I will personally pound it into you. With a smile on my face and f*cking bells on. Haha.. okay, nevermind. I won’t have any bells 😉