“Love” is no longer a 4 letter word to me….

Yes, I realize it is still a word comprised of four letters, but I am talking about the other type of four letter words.

A few years ago, love was absolute rubbish to me. It meant nothing. I loved my family and children, but that is a different sort of love than you have for a significant other. And seeing those words typed before me is really sad. My kids were (and still are) the best thing I have ever done. I see so much of myself in them, and I work on a daily basis to make sure that only the good parts shine through. I tried, and still continue to, try and protect them from becoming as jaded and cynical as I was. Even through the worst part of my life, I still made sure to protect them from all of it, and made sure they never understood that I had given up on love, all together. (well, two of them, anyway… as the third is the product of what I am about to talk about)

All of this came flooding into my head last night, and I literally burst into tears in my kitchen. Alone. For really no other reason than I allowed myself to think about what I used to have and be. That is not only entirely heartbreaking, but also really sad!! But kind of good. I don’t know.. it is all just very confusing.

Yesterday was Valentines Day (in case you live under a rock and don’t have a calendar or a phone, or a connection to the outside world) and while my husband and I have a long-standing rule that we will not buy into that commercial hollabulloo, he still surprised me with two cards. One of them, our three year old picked out (and it is hilarious! A singing cupcake that screams “i love you” at the end of his song.. definitely a gem of a card) and my hubsy picked out the most perfectly worded and sweet card that completely summed us up right at this moment in time. It was a very nice gesture. And as a symbol of my gratitude, I bought him a marked down chocolate today while I was at the store. It was on sale and it says “love” in chocolate. I think it was a win-win 😉

But last night, while he was on his break, and I had just put our three year old to bed (for the second time… little stinker) I threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave and glanced at my table.. I saw the card and read “a promise to my wife” scrolled across the front, and the tears just started rolling. No, I am not hormonal. No, the time of the month that I am in has no bearing on this. No, I am not insane. I was just touched by his sentiment, and immediately flooded with a surge of memories and old feelings.

Before my husband (and for a short time during the beginning stages of our relationship) I was absolutely miserable. I was jaded and cynical, flat-out unhappy, and just a shell of a human. I was wrecked, to put it in layman’s terms. Looking back, I can’t believe how unhappy and miserable I was for so long. But I always had a smile on my face, and to the outside world, I was fine. Maybe a bit sad, but nowhere near as bad as I actually felt inside. For a while, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry.. I just didn’t feel. Thank god for my kids, or I don’t know where I would have ended up. I pushed people away, I hid things that would allow anyone close to me to understand, I built walls that no person could ever break down.. It was bad.

Then enter Trevor. He came to me at my very worst, and in spite of all of the ugliness, he still chose me. He begged me to let him in, he slowly took down my walls, stuck beside mw while I worked through my demons, and showed me what real love looks and feels like.

Last night, I saw his card, and all I could think was “I was so unhappy and broken for so long, but now I can not believe how happy I am” and the tears just poured out of my eyes. He really is my soulmate, and my favorite person. He has shown me more love and compassion in the short 5 years that we have been together, than I ever thought I would or could know in a lifetime. I am still very much broken, and I still have a long way to go to feel confident that this won’t all fall apart around me…

Trevor and I may not have perfect pasts (in fact, they are both complete horror stories) but I know that with him beside me, we will have our very own perfect future. And even though things are in a bit of an upheaval again for us, there isn’t anyone on earth that I would rather navigate this mess with me than him.

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