Skinny, then fat, then skinny, then fat again….

***Let me preface this with: when I used the term “fat” I am ONLY REFERRING TO MYSELF… as everyone is different, and no one person can be fully and equally compared to anyone else.. So when I say “fat” I mean in my own opinion, of myself, the weight I have, and how it sits on MY BODY. I am NOT fat shaming ANYONE other than MYSELF!!!***

Now that I have that out of the way, perhaps I can refrain from anyone getting butthurt over the use of the 3-letter F word.. probably not.. but oh well! Here we go, anyway….

I am a naturally small person. My frame is small. My bones are small. I am short. (I have a big mouth, but that’s not what we are talking about right now!) I am just small. I was happy that way! I was a gymnast, I was a setter in volleyball, I made a pretty good point guard in basketball, and I could sprint like nobodies business (for real, I did the 100M in grade 9 in less than 13 seconds, with ZERO training) Even after I stopped playing all those sports, I remained small. And when I got mono in grade 11, YIKES! I got TINY! It was frightening, but no fault of my own. I was just naturally small! And I totally took it for granted!!

I stayed small all through high school and college, and even up until I had my first son in 2003 (when I was 22) After I had him, I felt fat, but I was not. Just maybe not as toned as I once was. But I just had a baby!! Muscle tone goes to crap after it’s been that stretched out. It was after having my second son in 2005 that ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! My weight was going up, instead of down. I had a kid, and the scale was increasing! WHAT!? I spent month after month after month back and forth from the doctor. I was prescribed every possible antidepressant on the market, once even being given an anti-anxiety pill. I clearly remember taking Wellbutrin for 8 days, and gaining a staggering 10 pounds in those 8 days! WHAT!?!? And every time I saw my doctor, I was told to “exercise more and eat less” THANKS TIPS!

I never stopped trying, and could not figure out what was happening to me. I didn’t feel like myself, I felt sad and out of touch with myself completely. My weight was out of control, my mood was awful, my hair was falling out, my skin was perpetually dry and itchy, I wasn’t sleeping, my appetite was gone…. I did not recognize myself at all.. inside or out. I had gone from being super happy and fun and outgoing, to hating every single thing about myself and not wanting to be around anyone. That’s not right! And sadly, this lasted until my second son was almost 3!! So many years of this, and an extra 80+ pounds on my tiny frame. I kept getting told that I was getting older and my metabolism just wasn’t the same, but I KNEW something was askew.

In ways I choose to not divulge at this point, I was able to figure out what was wrong with me. SEVERELY HYPOTHYROID! Effing eh… so happy. In a way, I was happy! I had an answer.. but also totally crushed, because I knew this was something I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Damnit.

This was January, 2008. By July of 2009, nothing was happening! I was still fat as ever. 198 pounds on a 5’3″ frame is ABSURD! I hurt everywhere. I thought the thyroid pills were supposed to help!? Take a look at this girl… she is NOT happy. And I was on thyroid replacement at this point, for almost a year and a half.

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Yuck. I cringe just looking at that poor girl. Swollen face..awful hair.. huge belly. So sad 😦

It took a long time, and it was a tumultuous process, but the weight started coming off… SLOWLY.

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See how my face is less swollen, and I have less of a gut situation going on? Yeah… fast forward to ONE MORE YEAR (yeah, it is a painfully slow process when you are fighting with your thyroid… thyroids are assholes, I’m just saying)

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LOOK AT HER!!!! After trying for soooo long, I FINALLY hit my goal weight! I like to call it my “sweet spot” and my weight literally came crashing off of me. It fell off… literally. It was amazing!!! Look at that tiny ass… Those jeans were a 27 waist and were falling off of me. MISS THAT!!

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So fast forward again, to November of 2011…. I have my third baby, and my thyroid took yet another nose dive, now thrusting me into HASHIMOTOS which is an autoimmune disease. So now my immune system attacks my thyroid, and my thyroid meds. It’s glorious. I love my son so very much, but he messed me up bad. I had to be sedentary for almost a year, while my doctor tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Again. Awesome. My resting heart rate was up to 150 bpm, while laying still in bed… scary ass scary!! We got it sorted, I had to remove a laundry list of foods from my diet, and have to figure out how to lose the weight ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! NOT FAIR!!!!

I am going to see a very expensive specialist who is working to fix me… but he dropped my meds back to the bare minimum, to try and get a feel for how broken I really am. I AM BUSTED ASS!!! It’s so bad. I want to cry whenever I think about it.

It’s NOT EFFING FAIR!! It really isn’t. I bust my ass every single day, and eat exactly how I am supposed to, I take the supplements I need to, drink more than enough water, and sleep lots. Just goes to prove what a giant asshole the thyroid truly is! Cuz until it is happy, I will not be happy. It would seem it is lots of give and take, and it is!! It takes my happiness and gives me weight issues! BAH!

So, I became a BEACHBODY COACH so that I can fix my body underneath all of this fat, and while I am at it, help anyone who wants my help! I have been in both situations… fat and skinny. So I know what it is like to feel hopeless and to feel totally elated!!

I am shooting for elated…. I see my specialist again on February 18th. I feel like I am close… hoping this tweak will sweet spot me again, and my tiny ass will make an appearance once again!!!!


(this was super readers digest version, or I would still be rambling on!!! Here’s a point form indication of what my life has been like with this disease….

Here’s the skinny: (haha… irony)
1. diagnosed after YEARS of “being in the grey” in 2008.
2. finally on the proper dosage after years of tinkering July 2010.
3. hit my goal weight and was all giddy and nonsense, August 2010 (notice how that coincides with being on the proper dose!?)
4. got pregnant February 2011.
5. had my baby November 2011, and then all hell broke loose.
6. hormones all fucked up after having my son, one idiot doctor read my test results wrong, dropped my dose, and put me in a year of hell, April 2012.
7. after a year of not knowing what was wrong, was diagnosed with Hashimotos, after a string of arrhythmia and erratic heartbeats (read: 140+ bpm resting heart rate) April 2013
8. refused to be seen by any endocrinologist because I do not have cancer, therefore am not a prime candidate for treatment July 2013.
9. went on Thyroid (natural desiccated thyroid) in August 2013 after doing lengthy research on the benefits.
10. energy went back to normal, but developed hives on my legs September 2013.
11. taken off of Thyroid in January 2014 as doctor worried that is what caused the hives. also determined that my dose had been too low, by almost half, for 6 months.
12. put me back on synthroid, told to wait for a month to see if my energy changed, and then would try me on cytomel as well January 2014.
13. gained 23 pounds in a month and a half, doctor finally agreed to test my adrenals and cortisol (after 8 years of asking) February 2014
14. energy is in the toilet. still gaining weight while on a gluten free, dairy free, soy free vegetarian diet and exercising almost daily.
15. Reintroduced meat into my diet, as I was told that Paleo is the way to go.

16. Seeing a specialist who is trying to fix me, but no weight is coming off… however, my energy is back!!


One thought on “Skinny, then fat, then skinny, then fat again….

  1. Wow. I thought I had it bad, but I really have to hand it to you… Hang in there, something will come through for you with your persistence! I think diet changes have a lot to do with the balance!


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